Grow Through It: Adult Abuse, #MeToo
Britt Frank, neuropsychotherapist and author of The Science of Stuck and Align Your Mind, tells her story of growing through domestic abuse.
When she was a teenager and young woman, she would say, “If someone ever laid a hand on me, I would be out the door.” But she got into violent relationships, not quite understanding how at the time.
She has since learned that being in a violent relationship is not about being a strong or a weak person. And being in a domestic abuse relationship does not go from zero to being hit. It is more like being a frog in water that gradually boils. And by the time the abuse starts to happen, your self esteem is so eroded that the abuse actually makes sense to you.
Frank had dabbled in recovery then due to drug addiction. She describes domestic abuse as its own kind of addictive cycle, which is hard to get off of: peace and love, then the slow tension build, the escalation to a violent incident, and the apology.
There was no lightbulb moment for her. She knew she needed support. She was still showing up for work, while behind closed doors, things were a mess. And that went on for years.
Domestic abuse survivors take an average of 7 times to finally leave. Frank thinks it took her about 7-10 times of attempting to leave until she could finally leave for good.
She didn’t have any reason why she couldn’t leave except for her own trauma and brain. Financially she was not dependent; there were no children. She could leave, but she didn’t.
Britt was sitting covered with bruises and felt like a victim, without choices. Someone said to her, “You were victimized, that’s true, and that’s not your fault. Domestic abuse is never the fault of the person being abused. However, you are making a choice to stay.”
This was a bitter pill for her to swallow. But when she did, she was able to own her part in the relationship dynamic, reconstruct her sense of self, and rebuild her life.
She learned that if she was hellbent on outsourcing her problems and blaming others, that there would never be a shortage of people to blame. She had to own up to the choices she made which put her in the situation. And then realize that she could make choices to get out of it.
She acknowledges that not everyone has the same access to resources, privilege, or choices that she had.
Frank realized that she had agency and choice, and that by acknowledging this, it could change everything.
In giving advice to others in a similar situation, she says don’t forget to ask yourself: What are my choices?
She may not have liked her choices, but that was different from not having any.
When you identify your options, ask yourself if you are willing to do any today. If you can’t find a willingness point, make your choices smaller so you can find your micro-yes. From microscopic yeses come real transformations.
Britt says that we know from neuroscience that the brain is always growing and changing. The idea that this is who I am today and this is who I am going to be forever is not accurate. If you have a pulse, if you have a brain, you’re not done and things can change.
Leave a Reply